Sunday, January 08, 2006

I would have been stellar in "Chasing Amy"

Doulgas's blog-article, short story, piece, whatever the hell you call these things, started me thinking about religion.

To be precise, I recalled how fine I looked in wings.

Great look, horrendous film. Yes, I know I've done worse. I'm still trying to live down Quigley Down Under, but Laura begged me to take the role, and how could I refuse that delicious button nose?

In case you are fortunate enough to have missed Dogma, it starred yours truly as Metatron. What's a Metatron? One of the Lord's hit men. An angel. Can't you tell from the bloody photo?

I wanted the role of God, naturally, but Kevin Smith gave it to some woman, some singer who capered about like a Tinkerbell-wannabe at a Peter Pan audition.

Let's talk about another Kevin Smith movie, Chasing Amy. Smith will tell you he didn't know me back then, but it's a lie. I wrote him several letters of praise after Clerks. I'd heard about Chasing Amy through the grapevine, and thought: a young man falls in love with a beautiful lesbian, and he's so charming, she falls in love with him and renounces her lesbian ways? I am that young man! But not young enough for Smith, apparently. He gave the role to Affffefe. Ffflk.

Try again, Alan. It's not that difficult. Type the damned letters.

He gave the role to Ben Affleck.

Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: Joey Lauren Adams is twenty-five years younger than you. I can feel you out there, cringing, getting -- what is it the children say? -- getting all squicked out. But please, please, consider: Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt are twenty-six years apart, and Nicholson doesn't have half my style. Or looks. Or ability.

It rankles.

Excuse me. I'm going to pour myself a glass of Port and watch Truly Madly Deeply. Again.



Blogger Kris Starr said...

I recalled how fine I looked in wings.

Amen. However, AR, (or arrrrrrrr, as you professed on "doulgas's" blog), I see you've neglected to mention Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Which I can only assume is some sort of drastic oversight. Unless one is trying to erase from one's eyeballs the image of an aging, balding, slightly paunchy, attempting-to-be-young-and-hip Kevin Costner. (Guilty as charged. My retinas will never be the same again.)

You as the Sheriff of Nottingham, on the other hand... a dark, roiling thundercloud of sinister sensousness...

To wit: hot damn, baby. You've got to pick roles like the Sheriff and Snape much more often. I'd watch 'em.

6:16 AM  
Blogger Kate R said...

Snape or Rickman? Alan or Severus? for whom do we pine?

I've always liked the roles. Actors are ok, I guess but they talk about "auds" and "perfs" as if they were cops or something. Silly buggers.

12:18 PM  
Blogger mm said...

Damn, Alan. You looked HOT in wings! You're only 19 years older than I am... does that make me too old for you?

Because I'm willing to lie about my age.

7:09 PM  
Blogger Beard said...

Willing to lie about my age here, too.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Professor Snape said...

Why, beard! Is that a proposition?

Yes, Kate, it's Rickman here, not Severus. Rickman's Reliquary bears an alliterative cringe-worthy cuteness suggestive of Hello Kitty handbags or Hugh Grant movies.

MM, you forget: I've seen you naked. I know how old you are; I counted the rings around your --

Excuse me, I just received a reminder that this blog is PG-13.

Kris, one needs bleach or lye to eradicate that horrific image.

9:17 PM  
Blogger Marta said...

Right, the wings are fine, but NO SEX??? Gosh...

2:59 AM  

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